Monday, July 12, 2010

Curse of the Audi.

We are a family of foreign car owners. Ive had two Audi's, a Mazda and a Nissan. Mike has had two BMWs and shared in the copulation of my Audi's, Mazda and Nissan. Its not like we arent for America or anything. We really are, we've even owned a few [redneck] firebirds and camaros! America is beautiful and one day we would love to live in Canada. This being said, most of the time these foreign cars that we have so blindly purchased have sucked. Mostly my Audi's. Its like Germany wanted to play a cruel joke that they "knew nothing about" on an American and that American was me. They secretly made my cars foreign spys and Im sure the hidden cameras have hours of footage of me yelling and swearing and then probably picking my nose. My Audis were like that beautiful Russian spy they just caught. All pretty and innocent with long flowing hair and with enough cleavage to distract you from that, oh wait what was I just talking about.....

Anyways, yes my Audis blew. It all started with a nice Audi A4. A 4 door practical vehicle with just enough pretty to satisfy my "look at me" facade while driving back and forth to a job that blew a little worse then my car. It was blue and shiny and had nice assets. Till winter when I (the former Buffalonian!) drove it into a ditch about 50 feet from my bend over job. Then I screwed up the front end and I had a nice little story that I was the butt end of at work. "Hey Erin, the lady from BUFFALO, remember when you drove your car into a ditch? Hahahaha well you better be going now cause someone sneezed and it looks like snow on the ground!" Yeah,well, HA HA HA! Hope all of you bastards are enjoying STILL HAVING TO WORK AT BLOW ME CENTRAL. HA HA.

God my old job sucked.

Well eventually we traded that Audi in for, you guessed it, ANOTHER Audi. This time a cute little 2 door sports car.

Yeah isnt it just Darling up there on a tow truck? Uh huh it sure is! The 4 yrs we owned it (I call it "it" because I firmly believe it was cursed and would figure out ways to piss me off by breaking and bleeding us dry)was hell. The first week we had it, we drove it up to Buffalo to visit family and on the way back some oil think broke and cost us my first born (her name was Angela and I wonder what she is up to nowadays...). We fixed it and ever since then its been one bend over after another (kinda like my old job! Huh. Those two should've hooked up and could've had a brainstorming session on how to screw me over more). We knew we needed to sell it but really didn't have much of a push. Then tada! I got all pregnant and stuff and we really had to sell it (more like panic). 2 years later and with a 1yr old now, we still had the stupid bitch. At this point, after putting thousands of dollars into it, I was convinced that it would be Calvin's first car. It hogged my spot in the garage and every time I went out there I would whisper "I hate you" and I swear it would spit at me!

Who would want a angry car that spat at you? Its like owning a monkey that throws its crap at you. Kinda cute until you're the one getting hit with the crap and then having to clean it up. NO ONE WANTS A CRAP THROWING MONKEY. And no one wanted the TT.

Until some nice man came along and bought it for his 16 yr old son. By now though the entire car is all nice and fixed and pretty and wont break until the 16yr old wraps it around a tree.

I will never own another Audi unless that is, we are millionaires and money is like rain to us. This way we can afford all the bull that comes with owning one instead of daydreaming what it would be like to drive the car off the hill in our neighborhood. Ive actually had this daydream MORE then once. I would imagine it shooting off the hill in a fireball as I fired M16 bullets that I somehow obtained from the gun store down the street. All while maniacally screaming and with beads of sweat falling down my face.

I bet I could get a movie deal out of this....

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