Over the past year and half I have learned some very important things that I shouldve done before I got pregnant and had Calvin. Heres my list:
1) Cherish the new things you bought.
*This includes that new T-Shirt that cost you more then 7 bucks and still has that "I dont have a kid that pulls/spits up/uses it as a tissue" crispness to it. Once you have a kid, all your stuff belongs to them. That new T-shirt will only be new from the time you pull it over the baby front butt while walking from the pile of clothes on the floor to the screaming kids bedroom. Once there you will find that the kid has either boogers running down their face from crying so hard cause you didnt get them the second they started squawking or the kid will be covered in poo. Those bodily fluids will then become a permanent fixture on that "new" shirt you HAD on. At that one time. For 3.5 seconds.
2) Have a high maintenance hair style.
*One that requires more then a quick run through the shower early in the morning. One where you remember to actually RINSE out the shampoo and say "hey I think Ill give conditioner a try today too!". Try a new hair style that requires the use of products and a blow dryer along with a straightner, curling iron and a small comb to tease. Right after Calvin I gave in and got the "mom hair". Short and simple and now I just use shampoo (on a GOOD day) and let it air dry where I then pull it up into a bun/pony tail that was popular when I first started highschool. 15yrs ago. Thats a MILF right there let me tell you.
3)Wear trendy makeup. Or any make up at all.
*I would so have raided the Mac counter EVERY SINGLE season if I wouldve known to. That new peacock look they are sporting this season? IM SO THERE!! 15 eyeshadows and 3 different eyeliners at once? Sign me up! Moisturizer, primer, foundation, concealer, bronzer, powder and photo finish dusting? I HAVE A HOUR SURE!! Now, after that 3 second shower that I sometimes forgot to use soap in, Im lucky if I have time to put on Mascara. The other day I noticed I had a wrinkle on my forehead. Great, like I have time to add something else to the list of things I should be tending too: Find a wrinkle filler that can also double as a acne fighter. Cause yes, I have BOTH now. Lucky me.
4)Be late to work a few times a month.
* I learned this AFTER I had Calvin. I say this because I was let go at my job under the pretenses that I "no longer had my head in the game". This being said, just be lazy off the bat like the rest of your coworkers. Show up later then most. Instead of being the 1st late person, be the 3rd! This way when you do have a kid and youre late cause you know, your nursing another life, or tending to another helpless life or dreaming of a DIFFERENT life (one that involved sleep and proper grooming habits). You can work on that extensive hairstyle and makeup routine you have going on if that gives you the edge to be late. No one will be surprised how your numbers have fallen and you wont be let go. Even though you did twice as much work as the next person. Who was there for more then 10 yrs but still sat there with a blank look while you tried to explain for the 7th time that day how to ctrl+T to open a new tab. In IE.
5) Be lazy. This can also go hand in hand with #4.
*Its Saturday! Yay a break from the work week where you have no obligations but maybe to figure out if youd like to go back to that dream about being a millionaire and living on some beach (PRE-oil spill) or getting up to go downstairs and catch up on all that DVR crap you have while dozing off till noon still in your pjs. Right now weekdays flow into weekends. The only difference for me is that I have one less kid on the weekends cause "Day care de Erin" is closed. You dont want to shower? AWESOME, dont! Because you choose not to shower, not cause you dont have time. You dont want to brush your teeth? Well, on second thought, please brush your teeth if thats the only thing you do that day. You cant do much for stinky poo breath.
6) Take long lunches. Again, can go hand in hand with #4 and #5.
*You have a hour for lunch? Awesome! Take a hour and half. Get out for a drive with the music blaring. Go stroll at the mall sans a stroller, diaper bag and the retracing of steps to look for that shoe the kid magically pried off his foot and then probably tossed out in the parking lot BEFORE you got into the mall. I love working from home but I dont really get much of a lunch break. My day is from 7am to 8pm 7 days a week. Where I love it and am happy I can be lucky enough to stay at home and have my own business I do sometimes miss the trips to the bookstore or naps in my car Id take when I had that bend over job. SOMETIMES. Most of the time Im just really REALLY happy I dont have that Bend. Over. Job.
7) Take random naps.
*I love peoples advice when I was pregnant "Sleep now cause once the baby comes you will miss it". NO SHIT!! If I hear a person say that to a pregnant mom Im gonna beat them with my two ton diaper bag. How about instead of saying that opt to give the expectant mom a coupon book full of "this is good for one nap, I will come over and watch your kid so you can take a nap". Be sure its a thick coupon book too and thats its available for ANY TIME. Like at 3am and then again at 5am. THATS what I wouldve loved to have at my shower. A bunch of coupon books for sleep. Id be using one right now if I could. So before a kid, take a nap. Do it now. I dont care if youre at your desk or driving a cab. This way when youre up at 3am and you get into that delirious giddy/crying mood you can daydream back to when you used to nap.
*And not just internet reading. Digg.com and mommy blogs aside, get to the store/library and read a actual book. I dont care if its the entire series of "The babysitters Club". Right now I have time to browse other moms blogs who in turn have time to write in one sentence blurbs on twitter "Im SO TIRED!!".
9) Marvel at how thin you are RIGHT NOW!
*Every day you wake up and think "Man I could be a lot thinner or toner" am I right? Yeah well go up to the mirror right this second and look at how even though you think your tummy jiggles now, it doesnt jiggle half as much as it will once you pop out your beloved. I look at older photos of myself and think about how even at the time those were taken I thought I looked like crap. Well, those dont hold a candle to how I look now! Ahhh the fruits of my labor....
10) Build a "More then 4 beers tolerance"
*I cant drink more then 2 beers before I start to "feel" it and become all buzzed. Seriously, I was at the Reds game a few weeks ago with my girlfriends and I had two beers before I was out! I mean, I used to be able to do pretty good with my "drink of choice". Now, man now I can just smell a beer (light beer at that!) and be all "wheeee is that a moms gone wild van ahead?" (I kid, Im way past that stage). So I say go out and try all kinds of yummy drinks. Be the one that can hold her own! Right now Im lucky if I can hold a wine glass after half a glass.
11) Print up photos.
*It took me 15 yrs to frame a family photo of My mom, dad, brother and I. Not because I didnt want to but because I either forgot to, couldnt find the photos or didnt have any printed up. We have TONS of photos taken of family over the past 10 yrs that we havent printed up. They sit on one of the millions of computers we have in the house or tucked away on some portable hard drive. I went parasailing one year with the hubby in Panama city FL. Does anyone know this? No. Do I remember this? NO! I need to locate them and print them up. Calvin needs to be able to see photos of family and friends right? No! Mommy needs a friggin nap.
12) Listen to R-Rated music.
*You know that new Eminem Album that came out? Well, listen to it at the gym buddy cause thats the only time youll feel comfortable listening to it. In the car I feel kinda guilty for listening to "f-ck a talent show in a gymnasium bitch you won’t amount to sh-t quit daydreaming kid" in the car with your 1 yr old in tow. You think "man shouldnt I be listening to wiggles or something that has ABC's in it?". You know eventually he will be listening to way worse then this in 14yrs but you think his first word should be "mommy" and not "bitch".
Once youve completed this list then you and your Significant other (or sperm bank book) can try the fun (tedious)task of trying to conceive a new life that will bring you nothing but love and joy. To be honest with you though, I dont really miss all of that stuff. I love Calvin way more then I love sleep.
MOST of the time...